Butte's Diary

Dear Chronic,

I'm deeply disturbed by the recent hoopla going on in the office about this new gadget. I can't even comprehend the purpose of its existence, but apparently, the gizmo is significant enough to make people think, "Hmm...yeah, I should definitely blow $500 on this!" If you ask me (and clearly you are, since you haven't stopped reading) I'd rather go to Kearns with the money and try my luck at dice. Keep in mind, I don't even know the rules.

I am of course talking about the Apple iPad.

I found out about this thing when I came into the office yesterday and Angry Editor and Hidden in the Corner Editor were talking about some new feminine-care product Apple had introduced. I assumed Steve Jobs had just become bored with life and decided he wanted his company to be the new Wal-Mart. As far as I'm concerned, the world would be a better place if my initial assumption was correct.

Don't think I'm hating just because I can't have one. I gave this thing a chance, but the level of disappointment I felt when I realized exactly how worthless the iPad was cannot be properly explained on this blog without I'm Not Mormon, I Just Think You Guys Are Vulgar Editor giving me a talk about the virtues of not being a crass asshole. (from now on, I think I'll just go with Not Mormon Editor). But I digress.

The Apple website describes the iPad as "Our most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at an unbelievable price."

OK, so based off of that that description I would be led to assume that this thing can do my homework, deal with angry ex-girlfriends, cure me from cancer and most importantly, kill Angry Editor.

I don't have cancer at the moment and homework seems, at worst, manageable right now, but if there was any chance this thing could get...let's go with Cally as her name...off of my back, then it was worth a shot (Maybe it could even direct her Angry Editor's way... I'd love nothing more than to give a drunk toast at that wedding).

I mean, Steve Jobs called it magical--there had to be something to it.

So what does this Brave Little Toaster wannabe do exactly? I'm so glad you asked.

Well, it looks like a huge iPhone, can browse the internet, email, store photos, play videos and music, access iTunes, store e-books and personal notes, display maps, store contacts and has a calendar.

Wait, that's it? No magical ex-repellant? No ability to extend my deadline? I suppose I could knock Angry Editor over the head with it, but that'd probably do little more than just make him morph into Angrier Editor.

Most importantly, there's absolutely nothing it does that any other piece of technology I already own can't already do (and all of these devices come with the convenience of not costing me $500). Jimminy Crickets, Apple. You fucking suck.

Steve Blow-Jobs really expects me to spend $500 (the only thing Apple's description got right was the "unbelievable price") on what is basically the electronic equivalent of the ostrich/human half-breed on South Park?

I just don't get it. I need a nap. Wake me up when we're all dead.

Sincerely,

Butte